Responsible Adulthood is Tiring

It's been less than 2 weeks since I returned to the real work force and I'm finding only one (BIG) thing extremely difficult: Balance. How does one find the energy to a) get plenty of sleep, b) work 8+ hours, c) remember to eat, d) feed the animals, e) keep the house clean, f) run necessary errands, g) pay bills, and h) show one's face to family and friends, or at least give a phone call.....all in a day? I suppose Adam's 10 day business trip to Australia isn't helping my ability to juggle, as the rhythm that we found during Week 1 has gone out the window.

Almost everyone in my department (a whole 6 people) has kids...how do they do it?! It's hard enough with a needy cat and energetic puppy. And how am I supposed to add on wedding-related tasks, and maintain my motivation to return to school somewhere down the line? Oh and not to mention that I still need to lose about 5 lbs before June - gym time? Right. I'm ready for bed by 8! And the donuts, candy and constant take out food at work isn't helping those few extra lbs or the energy factor!!

I used to give Adam crap for coming home and wanting to sit on his @$$ for a while. Now, I totally understand. The couch is my friend from 5 o'clock on. Throw in a glass of wine or a trashy tv show and I'm content for a while. oh sure, this isn't the case EVERY night - Monday we had puppy preschool and last night I went to a former co-workers house for a homemade meal. But it takes a LOT of motivation to leave the house again after coming home from work.

I don't ever remember being this tired when I was working + going to school, both full time, in Colorado Springs. But now I have a soon-to-be-husband & TWO animals running around, plus I've already started to bring work home (an inevitable part of the new job that I was well aware of when I accepted the offer!). I wouldn't change my circumstances now for anything, it's just all a big adjustment! I can only hope that things get a tad bit easier....Adam's return next week will certainly help, but there's a lot of personal, internal motivation that I still need to find. I'd start looking for it tonight but it's past 8, so I think it's time to hit the sack....

Perspective

I am just over a week into my new job, and I'm happy to report that I'm loving it!! For the first few days it was like any other job - training, training and more training. Lots of reading, online modules, and being thrown into two hour meetings so I can "get the feel for things" even though I have NO clue what they're talking about. Much of the terminology flies right over my head - I guess I need to pull out the old endocrinology and physiology books....

By last Thursday, though, the uniqueness of this field and the people in it started to shine through. I have gone on 3 "roundings" with the doc or nurse practitioner, who are both incredible teachers. They know that I am starting this job with no dialysis background, and my basic A&P and medical terminology is extremely rusty. They take the time to explain patient histories, medication lists, and the "why's", not just the "what's".

The most eye opening part of this job thus far has been my interaction with patients during rounds. Having absolutely no knowledge about chronic kidney disease, I really had no way of knowing what I was getting myself into. I'll give an example: One computer program that we'll be using during a study is set up to allow for 88 medical history entries per patient. EIGHTY EIGHT...who in the world has 88 individual medical occurrences?? Even I, the girl who vowed to "keep the surgery number up with the age!" (kidding, of course), don't have 88 individual medical occurrences worthy enough of being described during a medical history. The head of research protested when she heard how many fields existed in the program - "Only 88? No, no, that's not enough. These patients will go far beyond 88 by the time we get it all down". WHAT?! But it's true. After 2 days of rounds with the doc and nurse practitioner, it has become painfully evident that this population is the sickest - sicker than cancer patients, even. Diabetes, hypertension, amputations, osteoporosis, congestive heart failure...you name it, they have it. And most of the issues can be tied back to their kidney disease.

These patients are war vets, past physicians, one was even a cultural attache. 3 days a week, 4 hours a day, these patients come in for dialysis. Some have been dialyzing for 15 years. I think the most shocking bit of reality was how few of the patients ever get on the transplant list, and that even fewer actually get a transplant that works. And even in the face of these horrible odds, they don't give up. Dialysis is a huge life interruption, but I haven't heard a single complaint out of any of these patients. I suppose when it comes down to it, dialysis isn't an option...but I'm pretty sure if I had to plop my butt in a chair and have needles stuck in my arm every other day for hours at a time, I wouldn't be silent about it. These patients and the families that support them and the spouses or children or caregivers that come with them and sit by their side are so much stronger than I will ever be. I sometimes feel guilty when they casually ask me how I am when I walk by their chair....is it even OK to ask how they are in that every day conversational sense? I mean, clearly they're in pain and have so many hurdles every day....it's like a slap in the face to ask how they are. But really, I think most of them just appreciate the chance to talk about something else besides their illness. It's all very humbling...At the end of the day, I bitch about my feet hurting, my head pounding, the long drive home in traffic, not knowing what to do for dinner....when I really just need to shut up and be thankful that I'm not in that dialysis chair.

Apologies

After reading back on some past entries that I wrote, especially the most recent one, I have the overwhelming urge to apologize. I realized just how whiney I sound when talking about my job. I guess this blog is a good outlet for it, but I almost feel that I went overboard. I know I'm not the only one who has had to work in a cruddy work environment. I should just be thankful to even have a job at this point, in this economy!!

Honestly, despite the crappy things with this job, or maybe thanks to these crappy things, I'm leaving it a better and more professional person. My only regret is not having the guts to stand up against those who pulled certain tricks when I knew in both my heart and my head that they were wrong. I remember one incident in particular, all I could do was stand there and smile, as if I was completely satisfied with the resolution presented to me....but really, my stomach was in a knot creeping it's way to my throat where I feared if I opened my mouth I'd spur off word vomit that might lead to my firing....so I guess it's a good thing I didn't say anything? I don't know. Hindsight is always 20/20 and I'm learning to let go of these incidents and regrets over time. When all is said and done, I can't deny that the trials and tribulations at this job, and my ability to remain professional 99.7% of the time will pay off down the road (karma, perhaps?). Most of all, lessons were learned that will stick with me for life.